Triangulation is essentially when two people talk about a third person who isn’t present. This is most damaging to relationships when the content of the conversation is unkind or unhealthy. We have all experienced it, and we have all done it. We have also all been the recipient of it. It can be hurtful, unkind and unnecessary.
In the workplace this can be especially damaging to employee culture. It can breed toxicity, resentment, and fear. It damages productivity. it causes unnecessary stress and worry. If I know there is is culture of triangulation in my place of work I wonder how long it will be until I am the subject of the conversation, and what will be said. While it can feel powerful to be included in a conversation about someone else, particularly if the one of the people engaging in the behavior is in a management position. But it can do so much damage.
So what do you do about it? Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do to change the behavior of others save to give them feedback on how it impacts your experience. This can be frightening, as in a culture of triangulation it essentially opens you up to the possibility that you could become the target of a close door gossip-fest, and no one wants that. But know that it isn’t really about you. People triangulate to feel powerful, to vent, to manipulate, and for a number of other potential reasons. If there is conflict in relationship, even unspoken conflict, engaging in a triangle discussion relieves some of the tension someone may feel without doing anything to resolve the conflict. In fact, it brings someone else into it and can alter or affect their perceptions too. If you find yourself wanting to triangle, and vent or talk about someone in an unkind way to someone else, pause for a minute. Examine your intentions. Why are you feeling pulled to do this? How does it serve you? Is it contributing to an unhealthy culture? What needs are you meeting by engaging in this behavior? Then, do the hard thing. Stop the triangle. Go straight to the person, in an appropriate and assertive way, with your concerns. Speak to your experience.
And if someone is attempting to pull you into a triangle, hold a boundary with them. Tell them you do not feel comfortable with this conversation. Tell them if if feels unkind. Tell them you would prefer not to be involved, and suggest that they go straight to the other person. It is a really really hard thing to do, and could potentially make you a vulnerable target from someone who feels threatened by that response, but remember: it isn’t about you. Practicing assertiveness ultimately only makes you a stronger and healthier person, even if there are unpleasant consequences at times.
The takeaway: Triangulation is an unkind and often manipulative way of talking about someone who isn’t present. It isn’t always intentional, and a culture of triangulation in the workplace leads to unhappy workers and decreased productivity. Avoid engaging in triangulation by bringing conflict straight to the necessary people and no one else, and hold boundaries with people attempting to bring you into a triangle discussion.