Many of us do not present all of ourselves authentically to those we encounter. We have learned that some aspects of our personality or our experience may not be socially acceptable to show to everyone all the time. We have learned that vulnerability can be unsafe. In a culture partially defined by the rampant use of social media, we have learned to cultivate and craft the image we present to the world. We are like icebergs, displaying a polished exterior while much more lies beneath the surface.
This is not a bad thing and in a lot of ways it is healthy. Maintaining healthy emotion boundaries means we are able to discern when it is appropriate to spill all and when it is better to hold some back. Some things we may share with our closest friends and family only. Even if we don’t always share our iceberg with everyone, it is important to cultivate self awareness around what lies beneath our own surfaces.
What do you show to the world? What hides underneath? Are there any contradictions?
The iceberg metaphor can also apply to emotions. Anger is one that often presents as an iceberg. It is easy and powerful to connect to anger, and display that on the surface, while underneath may be fear or powerlessness or hurt. The Gottman Institute explores this concept even further, specifically with anger.
Philosopher and psychotherapist Carl Jung believed that we all possess both a persona and a shadow side. The persona is comprised of all of the aspects of ourselves that we deem appropriate to show the world. These are not necessarily bad or good, they just comply with the crafted image we want to convey. The shadow side is comprised of the aspect of us that we don’t want the world to see. This could include experiences and things that have happened to us in our lives. Jung suggested that until we can integrate both into our concept of self that the shadow side will find a way to be seen, often through destructive or unhealthy behaviors.
We can have socially positive and socially destructive traits in both the shadow and the persona, it is not all good or bad. For example, someone who wants to be perceived as “tough” may exhibit more aggressive communication or lack of care for others in their persona while hiding their capacity for compassion and empathy in their shadow.
What is in your persona? What is in your shadow? How does your shadow side show up?
It is important to recognize that we are always learning more about ourselves, and the cycle of growth continues our entire lives. We may discover things in our shadow after years of intense introspection that we had no idea was there. Whenever we learn more about ourselves, particularly the unpleasant things, it is important not to cast judgment. Judgment leads to shame and away from integration. Step into the observer self, notice any feelings coming up around the new awareness, and lean into a healthy coping skill. We are all imperfect. We all have shadows and flaws and jagged crevices hidden in the depths. It is part of being human. It is okay. And it is something we all have in common, so cut yourself a break.