Seeing

Because once you see you can’t unsee.

Do you know what your ideal life looks like? How many times have you given intentional and dedicated thought to your future aspirations? And not just your things, or your accomplishments. That is not what I mean. How many times have you allowed yourself to visualize how your ideal life feels? Who are you in this imagined life? Are you living it now?

In 2013 I started asking these questions. I began to imagine a single day in my perfect life. I enjoyed it, as a sort of escape fantasy. I constructed my house down the details of the outdoor kitchen for large gatherings and a sunny yoga room. I had a large garden, and a running path through the woods. I had a daughter, about 9 years old in the vision. While I couldn’t see her face she was a critical part of the dream. I had a teaching job at the local university where I felt empowered and autonomous in my field. Interestingly, I did not have a partner in these visions. I was in a relationship at the time, but I could not imagine him with my ideal self, in my ideal life. This is very interesting to me in hindsight, because at the time I was hoping for a marriage proposal.

There are other interesting things about this visualization. Social gatherings were an integral part, yet I didn’t have stable and lasting relationships in my life. I still don’t, if we’re being honest. I had a yoga room and a meditation practice, yet at the time I believed I was incapable of either of those things. I was too overweight and clumsy for yoga, and my mind moved too swiftly for meditation. I had a garden yet I had never grown anything to harvest. I couldn’t even keep succulents alive. I hated running, and I believed I was out of shape and incapable of endurance sports. I wanted to be a mom, but believed that I would need to be a wife first. I also believed that I was unworthy of a loving commitment. So that was certainly out of the picture. And who would ever want to hear anything I had to say in a public forum? Certainly I would never become an expert in anything, not enough to teach it. Not enough to feel confident. Not enough, not enough, not enough.

This was the core of my sabotage. The belief that I was not enough, for any aspect of my dream. I truly believed that. This narrative was so entrenched into my concept of self that I didn’t even notice it. I didn’t recognize the voice saying: “That’s not actually you in that dream. That’s someone else, some other woman who’s stronger and smarter and more confident. There’s no way that could ever be you.” And without even realizing it, I believed it. 

But I think that by actively visualizing my ideals, something within me unlocked. I didn’t notice it at first but I kept feeling drawn back to that vision. And over time, without my conscious awareness, I started making small changes that moved me closer to it. 

In February of 2018 I had the sudden and stark realization that I had achieved much of that dream. It was like finally surfacing above water after a long struggle to ascend. I began to shatter the limitations of my unhealthy belief system, and I was entering into a new way of experiencing life. I will speak to that more in another post.

For now, let’s focus on you. 

We are going to begin with an exercise. Read through the exercise first, then close your eyes and focus on the prompts. Find a comfortable position somewhere you can be uninterrupted for twenty minutes. You will not need more than that at this time. When you have settled into your space and feel able to focus, I want you to imagine your life, some time into the future.

I want you to imagine the best version of your life that you can think of. Imagine the best version of yourself. I want you to think through an average day, in this best life as your best self, from wake to sleep. Begin walking through your day now. 

It is morning. What time are you waking up? What is the first thing you see? What is your room like? Who, if anyone, is with you? How do you feel?

As you begin to move through your day, what do you notice about your surroundings? What is the first thing you choose to do? How do you feel?

At breakfast, what are you eating? Who else is with you? What are conversations like? How do you feel?

Imagine it is time for work. Where do you work? Do you have to travel for work? What do you do? How do you feel?

Think through your ideal working day. Is it 9-5? Do you set your own hours? What is the pace? What are the people like? How do you feel?

Now it is time to focus on your self-care. What do you do to show love to yourself? How do you take care of your body? How do you take care of your mind? How do you take care of your energy? How do you feel?

Let’s head back home now. Looking from the outside, what does your home look like? Where is it? What are you most proud of it about your home? How do you feel?

Heading inside, what strikes you most about your space? Who is with you? How do you feel?

As you begin the evening, what do you do? What is on the menu for dinner? Are you gathering with others, or are you taking it easy on your own? How do you feel?

Now it is time to wind down for the evening, what do you do? What do you notice? How do you replenish yourself after your day? How do you feel? 

Take a few minutes of silence to reflect on your ideal self, in your ideal day. When you are ready, step back into the present moment. 

After reflecting on your ideal self, in your ideal day, what do you notice? Was anything surprising? What was the clearest and easiest to visualize? What seemed fuzzy?

Most importantly, how did you feel? 

If you feel inclined, journal about your experience. Consider revisiting the exercise, but focus on a different time in the future. And remember always, no matter what the voice in your head may whisper, it is critical that you find a way to return to your vision of your best self. Because if you are able to do that, things will begin manifesting in ways you can’t yet imagine.