We could talk about shame for days and weeks and years. There is so much to it. It is prevalent in all cultures and some say it is the root of all pathology. That all mental illness and disorder can stem from shame. Even if we don’t have a diagnosable mental disorder, we all experience shame. It is part of the human condition. And we are now learning that it may be a bigger part than we realized.
We begin to learn shame as young children, when we still view the adults in our lives as infallible. And that is if we are fortunate enough to have loving family around us. But even loving parents make mistakes. We are tired, we are stressed, we are frustrated. We come home from a long day at work where everything seems to be going wrong and we just want some peace and quiet, just for a minute. But imagine our child is seeking our attention by singing loudly or asking lots of questions or throwing a toy in our direction that accidentally hits us in the shin. And we react. Maybe we yell at them. Maybe we walk away. Somehow we shoot down their bid for attention. It’s not their fault, really, it’s all the other things going on that happened to come out sideways onto them. But they don’t understand that. And since they cannot understand why we are so upset, they begin to believe it is because of them. There is something wrong with them.
Shame begins as an interpersonal emotion, it requires another person to activate it. But eventually, over time we internalize it. It becomes part of us. Shame is intimately connected to our sense of worth. When we aren’t able to recognize shame, and move through it, it finds ways to be continually reinforced in our everyday experiences without our conscious awareness. Brene´ Brown, author of Daring Greatly and public speaker known for her work on shame and vulnerability, describes shame as “the swampland of the soul.” She states that “shame drives two big tapes: I’m not good enough, and if you can talk it out of that one, who do you think you are.”
We all know the warm wash of shame. The physiological response in our bodies mimics a response similar to trauma. It is such a primal emotion that when our amygdala is activated by shame our bodies actually have a fight, flight, freeze response. Flushed face and neck, elevated heart rate, shallow rapid breathing, sweaty palms. It is an existential threat. And because it is connected to our sense of self worth, whenever it is triggered we believe we somehow deserve the experience and are often unable to recognize or even challenge it. So our narrative is continually reinforced. We slip into the shame cycle of seeking relief from the discomfort through other destructive coping patterns, often spiraling into even more shame and going around and around in the process. Brene´ Brown also says that “shame needs 3 things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence and judgment.” If secrecy and silence are required, who is doing the judging? The way out of shame is connection. Notice the destructive coping pattern. Notice the trigger. Notice the physiological response, then start to talk about it. Practice some deep breathing techniques in order to calm down. Shift to a more empowered perspective of the situation that validates your inherent worth (easier said than done). Journal. But talk about it, with a friend or counselor or anyone who feels safe. Identify what works for you, and in moments of shame, start implementing healthier responses. If you’re anything like most of us, you will have opportunities to practice this daily.