It is no surprise that parenthood is full of surprises. It doesn’t matter how many blogs and memes and books there are, they couldn’t possibly cover everything. When I was pregnant I would ask people what parenthood was like, what do I really need to know? And almost invariably I got the same infuriating answer: “Well…..you’ll see.” $%%&@!!#$! See what?!?! What am I getting myself into? Just tell me.

And now, I understand. Parenting is ineffable. But all parents get it. Because it is a beautiful collection of tiny unpredictable things that make up one of the most relatable experiences of life.

Let’s compare before and after on a few things.

STANDARDS

Before kids: Clean home, daily showers, healthy, high quality foods

Now: Are cheerios considered a decoration? Meh, dry shampoo is fine. Smooshed bananas and whatever is left on my son’s plate, please.

MOVEMENT

Before kids: There was a time when I could move freely on a whim, quickly pivoting whenever I please without worry

Now: Must be careful so as not to sling the little human clinging to my skirt across the living room when I turn around. Again.

REFLEXES

Before kids: Sometimes I caught things

Now: We would see a whole new world of war and sports if we could bottle the reflexes of a mother whose child is about to do something stupid.

POOR KITTY

Before kids: Happy, lazy, sleepy kitty lounging in a puddle of sun on the living room floor.

Now: Where is kitty??

EMOTIONS

Before kids: I could at least read them on the faces of others.

Now: Are you crying or laughing? What does that face mean?

Yes, some things are irrevocably different. But I wouldn’t even consider trading it in for the previous model, my life is exactly what it is supposed to be.