I have a friend going through a break up right now, and I often find it difficult to know the best way to comfort someone who experiencing pain or rejection. Is it best to be a listening ear? To say mean or angry things about the offending party? To offer solutions? To encourage to get out of the house? Or to encourage to stay in, binge watch movies, eat sweets and take a bath? I think it is all dependent on the person and their situation. And just being a supportive presence to talk to is probably the safest bet.
When we are in the height of an emotion, our amygdalae are activated. this is the part of the brain responsible for the fight, flight, or freeze response. It is the part responsible for emotional response and sensing dangers or threats. It is not the place of logic and reason, which sits in the prefrontal cortex of our brains. The amygdala is one of the first parts of our brain to finish fully developing (at around age 11-12), and the prefrontal cortex is one of the last (age 22-24 for women and 23-25 for men). So moving into problem solving mode is likely not the most helpful solution to comfort a suffering friend in the moment.
Our thought patterns can also influence our emotional reactions. On average, we have about 50,000 unique thoughts each day. It would be impossible to be conscious to every thought that passes through our brain. Over time, some thoughts become louder or more distinct. We start to believe them. Maybe they are based out of a childhood experience, or something someone once told us that we unknowingly believed and internalized. These can morph into personal narratives we tell ourselves, and allow our future experiences to validate. One of my personal narratives is “I’m not good enough.” Rationally I can recognize that this is a cognitive distortion, and a hurtful one at that. Yet for years every experience of rejection I sensed served to strike the chord of that narrative, further reinforcing it, without my conscious awareness. And even now, as I can recognize the narrative as it is playing out, I have to put significant effort into not allowing myself to believe it is wholly true.
These thinking errors can trap us in cycles of unhealthy behaviors that keep us stuck in the same patterns over and over again in life. We become hyperaware of things that trigger the narrative. No matter what our friends and families may say to the contrary, our own foundational sense of self is often built on these unhealthy distortions.
So when your friend, or coworker, or family member is suffering, it may be helpful to remember that their thoughts are likely being affected or even controlled by their own manufactured distortions, and in the height of emotions comfort and support may be more needed than a solution. And if you find yourself playing out the same patterns over and over in life, challenge yourself to look into your own belief systems and personal narratives. What might be lurking under the waters that you aren’t fully aware of, and how can you shift away from that energy?
The takeaway: Just because we think it doesn’t mean it is real. Yet we all build a sense of self from our thoughts, and the strongest of these often form our own personal narratives. Unhealthy personal narratives can trigger heightened emotional reactions and seek validation in external circumstances. Don’t shame yourself for your unhealthy or unkind self thoughts (we all have them!), rather start to notice and challenge them.