Have you ever caught yourself avoiding tasks on your to-do list that you know you need to do, would be essential toward completion of bigger goals, are important, are necessary, etc? I don’t mean forgetting, or legitimately running out of time for because life gets in the way, I mean consciously (or sometimes not) avoiding, even when there is no real good reason to, until eventually you say: “Well darn! Where did the day go? Oh well, I guess I’ll get to it tomorrow!”
How do you feel when this happens? Does it happen more than you would like?
Many people live by their to-do lists. I have certainly written things down on my list that I have already completed just to experience the reward of being able to cross it off the list. Completing tasks (particularly unpleasant ones) have a clear and measurable effect within the reward centers of our brains. So it makes sense that some level of emotional consequences would accompany the experience of avoidance (cue: shame). But before we go there, let’s talk a bit about big rocks.
You may be familiar with the big rocks metaphor about productivity and time management first introduced by Steven Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People). If not, here is a helpful video.The idea is that it is important to identify our priorities. Those things in the day, or the week, or in life, that are most important to us are our big rocks. In life these could be things like family, health, career, etc. During our daily task list those big rocks could be broken down to achievable goals that lead toward the life goals (go to the gym, your daughter’s soccer game, writing a blog article). Then there are other tasks which are important but not necessarily the most important (grocery shopping, updating your Linked In account, etc). These are the small to medium sized rocks. And finally there are all the other things that take up the day (emails, getting gas, breakfast, buying a new pair of socks, etc). So imagine you have all these things you need or would like to do, and imagine that your day (or week or life) is a jar. How do you fit everything in? If you start out with sand and save your big rocks for last you will run out of room in your jar.
Step One: Identify your big rocks. Step two: Complete them as early in the day as possible.
Why is it important, in a daily task list, to complete the big rocks first? Because we only have a finite amount of self-discipline each day. There is growing evidence to suggest that willpower is a limited resource. Each ti
me you resist the temptation to surf the internet rather than respond to an email, or to reach for a salad instead of cupcake, you are using up a little of that resource. Imagine it is like a muscle that gets tired as the day goes on. Fortunately, it is possible to go to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and rejuvenated and start each day with a full dose of willpower. Unfortunately, it also means that the longer we delay completing the unenjoyable big rock tasks on our lists, the less likely we are to be successful at completing them at all that day.
This is where shame can come into play. When we catch ourselves avoiding our big rocks, and we get to a point when we know we may not complete them all, we can fall into the trap of the shame cycle. The shame cycle is all about making mistakes, judging ourselves, seeking relief from the uncomfortable emotions through more unhealthy behaviors or distractions, then after the temporary relief fades we judge ourselves even more. Around and around and around we go. The shame cycle can apply to so many things in life (addiction, trauma, interpersonal relationships, you name it). We can get stuck in it for small things or big things. We can go around in the shame wheel over and over without even knowing we are caught up in it. Let’s play it through as shame applies to avoiding completing important tasks.
Make a mistake (pouring the sand in before the big rocks). Stress levels begin to increase.
Feel shame.
Judge self (I should be stronger than this, I shouldn’t have done that, I can’t do anything well, I am a failure, etc). Presence of cognitive distortions within our thoughts increases.
Seek relief from uncomfortable feelings of shame and judgment through unhealthy behaviors (more avoidance, distraction). Temporarily feel better. Allow space in thoughts for justifications of unhealthy behaviors.
Shame begins to creep back in…..and around we go!
What is the way out of the shame cycle? First, recognize you are in it. Second, forgive yourself. It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to make mistakes. Practice self compassion DAILY. This doesn’t mean to discount personal accountability. It is simply a practice of acknowledging you are human and made a mistake, forgiving yourself, and learn from it.
As I write this, I am avoiding one of my big rocks of going to the gym. I filled my day with sand like buying new headphones (currently wearing)a new journal (which helped me organize my thoughts for this), to name a few. Where did the day go?? ;) However I have also been avoiding the big rock of writing this for several weeks, so that is a win for me today. We all do it, all the time!