As we are becoming increasingly able to connect to each other all over the world through technology and ever advancing social media platforms, it would seem that we should be feeling less lonely and isolated. And perhaps in some ways that is true. Technology does allow for connections that perhaps wouldn’t otherwise be possible. It can act as an outlet for creative expression where there may not be one. But it also hinders our ability to connect one-on-one, as many are leaning heavily on the ability to filter a projected and controlled image through their social media lives. It also limits our ability to fully communicate and emotionally attune with each other, as so much of our communication happens non-verbally and para-verbally, both of which are most effectively perceived in person.
An episode of On Point, an NPR podcast, focused on the specific effects of loneliness on our overall physical health. A study conducted by Brigham Young University Researchers found that loneliness can increase your risk of death by as much as 26%, potentially making loneliness as big a health issue as smoking or obesity.The issue is so big, in fact, that Britain recently appointed a Minister for Loneliness to begin to address the issue. Prime Minister Teresa May states that “for far too many people, loneliness is the sad reality of modern life,”
Psychologically, loneliness and isolation are often co-morbid with instances of depression, addiction, anxiety, and even dementia. Physiologically loneliness can have the effect of hardening arteries, corroding your brain, and depressing your immune system. As humans we are wired to be social, and for us the threats of loneliness are as real as thirst, hunger, or even pain. It is connected to our primal and existential human needs.
Loneliness isn’t simply social isolation, or being separated from other humans, though that is one contributing risk factor. More and more people are living alone now than ever, because we have the means to. This means there is the potential risk of not having someone around in an emergency in the home. But the subjective, self-reported form of loneliness can also be just as damaging. This is the feeling that we are standing in a room full of people and not feeling seen, of realizing that few people in our life actually know us.
Community is a powerful antidote to loneliness. This doesn’t necessarily mean surrounding yourself with people, because without meaningful connection the presence of people is not enough. It isn't about introverts or extroverts. It is about feeling seen, understood and valued as an individual. It is sharing emotional connections, and feeling a sense of belonging. It means creating powerful connections and relationships in all areas of our life, including work where we often spend most of our time. This article in the Harvard Business Review specifically addresses the correlation between loneliness and our working culture.
We absolutely need connection to others in our lives. We need to feel seen without fear of judgment. We need to ability to emotionally attune to at least one other person in our lives. A deep connection with one person may be enough for you, or you may need more than that. Each of us is different. But we all share the basic need to feel a sense of love and belonging.
When I am feeling disconnected from my tribe I really struggle to maintain balance in my life. I turn to my destructive coping mechanisms to manage the loneliness, and often end up in a cycle of shame and self-destruction that can sometimes last for years. I know now that in order to feel centered and grounded in my life, I need to be connected to my friends and family. But it took hindsight, and a humble and compassionate look at the myself in the times I have spiraled, to develop that sense of self-awareness.
If you’re feeling disconnected in your life, look to the people in your world. Is there someone you could invite over for dinner, or out for coffee? Is there an event in your community you could participate in? Are there any opportunities to volunteer for a cause that resonates with you? What about a fun family outing? Even talking with a therapist or coach can have a healing impact. There is almost always an opportunity to connect with someone else in our lives, and sometimes it carries a certain level of social risk to reach out, but it is something we must to prioritize for our overall health and wellness. Don’t sit in loneliness alone. Connect. For the love of your life, connect.