Language is more powerful than we often realize. The words we choose to use, and how we frame our messages, can have a surprising impact not only on the people we interact with but also with our own sense of self. Consider the glass is half-full vs half-empty metaphor. Just by focusing on a positive (half-full) rather than focusing on a negative (half-empty) we can shift our entire worldview. We can lock ourselves into thought patterns that dismiss our autonomy and the power of choice. If we identify as a half-empty person, we can approach any situation with that perspective and then shrug it off as “Well that’s just the kind of person I am.” When we do this we don’t allow room for personal growth or development, and we often end up playing out the same cycles over and over again.
We teach ourselves how to see ourselves and the world through the words and messages we choose. Neurolinguistic programming is a therapy tool that can help to rewire these messages through behavior modification techniques and language and sensory development interventions. It can help with self-esteem, phobias, post traumatic stress disorder, self awareness, communication, anxiety, and a host of other things. Because of neural plasticity our brains have the incredible ability to alter their biology in order to shed old connections and create new ones. This rewiring happens naturally at several stages in our life, but can also happen through intentional thought and behavior adaptations. So it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks, so to speak.
But let’s take a deeper look at the power of words themselves. Consider the framing of this sentence: “It made me feel ___.” Culturally this is not an unusual sentence to hear or speak. I have often used it myself, and have had to develop conscious awareness of my use of it. “It made me feel” or “they made me” is a passive way to express an emotion that essentially gives all of your internal power to an external stimulus. While it is true that we cannot necessarily exhibit complete control over our emotional states in the moment (we can’t just turn off our emotions in a healthy way), we can make choices, which helps us to take ownership over our emotional state. “It made me feel” doesn’t allow us to examine what is really happening internally, and why. It doesn’t allow us to choose our responses, or reframe our beliefs so that the next time “it” happens we don’t have to feel the same way. We have more power than we often realize, and we give it away when we use passive language.
Another example of a subtle but powerful shift in language is in avoiding the use of negative phrasing such as “not” or “can’t” or “won’t.” It is important to keep positive and move away from the things you don’t want by focusing on the things that you do want. For example, consider the phrase “I want to stop feeling this way.” Okay, but your focus is still on whatever “this way” is. Try a reframe by focusing on the way you want to feel, and name actionable steps to get there.
Something else to consider is the use of swear words while upset. There is a lot of power underneath a swear, what does it connect to? What is under there? I am not saying that swearing is wrong. I am saying that swear words are not articulate or refined, and you may be doing yourself a disservice by leaning to heavily on them. Swearing often limits the ability to be deeply understood. Others can see you may be angry, but they don’t necessarily know what you are internally connecting with. I invite you to look deeper.
Here are a few more phrases to watch out for:
“It’s not my fault”
“It isn’t fair”
“I can’t”
There are many ways we can shift the messages we send to others and ourselves to facilitate a healthier, happier life experience. It begins with noticing certain thinking traps you may catch yourself falling into, and actively reframing.