Healthy Personal Boundaries

Having healthy boundaries in relationships applies not only to romantic relationships but also to professional relationships, friendships, family relationships and any relationship you can think of with another person. In order to establish healthy boundaries, you must first get to know yourself a little bit. What is acceptable? What do you ask for or expect in a relationship? Does the other person know this? Often times we have expectations for the behavior of others that we may not communicate. These are called “unspoken contracts.” What is intuitive to you in relationship may not be so intuitive to the people you are interacting with. Our belief systems and expectations are formed through years of personal experience and exposure to the world, which cannot be the same from person to person. So first get to know yourself. Understand how you tick. Then look to your relationships.

A word that is being used a lot these days is “empath.” You may have read a short article about what it means to be an empath, like this one. Empaths are essentially folks who are more sensitive to the energies of others, and it is easier for them to absorb or take on those energies (particularly negative energies). If you identify as an empath, it is especially important for you to be able to identify an establish healthy boundaries for yourself to avoid taking on more negative energy from others than is good for you. On the other hand, if you operate more like an enclosed submarine in relationships (I tend more toward this one), you may not let the energies and moods of others affect you but you also may struggle to share your own internal experience with others. If this is more you, it is equally as important to identify that so that you can practice opening up a little more in relationship.

Imagine a circle. If the circle is completely closed, not letting anything in or out, you may be closed off to the ability to create meaningful relationships and deep connection with others. Your personal boundaries may be too tight. But if the circle has holes everywhere, it is difficult to manage what comes in and out, so you may be experiencing the emotions of others as if they were your own while simultaneously spilling your own emotions out all over the place. In this case your boundaries may not be strong enough. Healthy boundaries in relationships fall somewhere in the middle of these two scenarios. You can allow the emotions and energies of others affect your experience, this is an example of empathy and builds connection, but learn to recognize when that goes too far. Likewise, you can share your own emotions and energies with others, but also recognize when that may be going too far for them. Develop personal and situational awareness.

It is also important to note that the boundaries you establish for yourself may vary situation to situation. Your professional boundaries will hopefully look much different than your romantic boundaries. Your boundaries with a close friend won’t be the same as with someone you first meet. But even those these boundaries may vary, it is worth looking at how happy you are with the existing boundaries you have established. Is there room for improvement in any these relationships?

There is no universal definition of what healthy boundaries in relationships look like, as it will vary person to person and situation to situation. It is, however, important in healthy relationships to develop self-awareness around your personal boundaries, and to recognize when you may be absorbing too much energy from someone else (or not sharing enough of your own).

De-clutter Your Space, De-clutter Your Mind

Have you ever heard the phrase “a cluttered home is a cluttered mind?” Well it turns out there may be some truth to that. In 2011, a study conducted at Princeton University found that clutter can make it more difficult to focus on a specific task. Keeping a clean and organized living space can actually make us feel better. Even the way we describe our homes has a correlation to our mental and physical health. A study in 2010 that interviewed 60 women about their homes found that those who described their homes as “cluttered” or “full of unfinished projects” had higher instances on increased depressed mood throughout the day and increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Another study found that participants who kept their home clean were physically more active and healthy than those who didn’t, and found that cleanliness was actually a predictor of physical health more than neighborhood walkability. How tidy and organized our home is can even have an impact on our quality of sleep, according to a survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation. 

In The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, author Marie Kondo explores how tidying up can “spark joy in life, work and love.” The Japanese graphic novel took the world by storm, quickly becoming a best-seller in the United States. It seems the idea of tidy and organized resonates with people on a powerful level.

So how can you take steps to become more organized and less cluttered? Here are a few ways:

1. Be bold with sentimental objects. If it has been in a box for 20 years, no matter how much sentimentality may be attached to it, it’s likely it will stay in a box forever. Is it really being appreciated there? Could someone else in the family appreciate it in a more appropriate way? Could a museum benefit from it? Or is it time to cut the ties? Be vigilant.

2. Regularly de-clutter your closet. Don’t hold onto clothes from years ago because “they might fit again one day.” Turn your hangars around backwards in the closet, at the end of the year, donate any clothes still hanging on backward hangars. Or, if you buy a new shirt, donate an old one. Or every season aim to donate at least a bag or box of old clothes.

3. Have a garage sale. You may have plenty of functional things in the house that someone could gain some use from, see if you can sell them. Even better, organize a community or neighborhood garage sale followed by a barbecue to create fun and connection. Donate whatever is left over at the end.

4. Constantly tidy up. Don’t leave anything for later. If you walk past a dirty dish, bring it to the sink and wash it. Clothes on the floor? Drop them in the hamper right away. Be vigilant about tidying up small things in the moment, rather than doing one big clean at some other time.

5. Don’t keep too many things on counters, shelves, and floors. The fewer things you have taking up space in these areas, the less cluttered your home will feel.

Keeping a tidy home can improve physical health, sleep quality, and mental health. Making an effort to regularly tidy up your living (and work) spaces can free up mental and emotional space for more important things in your life. Just a few minutes a day can go a long way in allowing more space in your home and mind for the important things. 

The Dance of Light and Dark

I believe that there is lightness and darkness in all of us, and that is okay. These can either be opposing forces or interact in harmony with each other, like yin and yang. Maybe we are born in lightness and the darkness comes as we develop our sense of self and begin to experience suffering. Maybe the human experience is about a dance between these two energies and a movement toward cohesion. I believe it is our responsibility not to extinguish the darkness, but to lean into it and and to integrate it. This is where our fears lie, and our hurt. This is where we carry our shame stories. And it is part of us.

Similar to the way magnets work, we can choose the orientation of these two energies to each other through our cognitive lens and beliefs. Are they repelling or connecting? I also believe that we project this dynamic onto the world. We see the world not as it is but as we are. I believe the good vs. evil story has been present for as long as we have been humans. We understand that story in our core, and we resonate with it.

Our collective unconscious seems to be projecting the opposing force story onto society as well. Liberal vs. conservative, democrat vs. republican, christian vs. atheist, male vs. female, and any number of other ways. But maybe we ought to be looking at how we can be moving away from an either/or, black/white, good/bad frame of thinking and operating. Maybe that is too limiting for us.

As long as fear drives us, the light and the dark will always be opposed. It takes incredible courage to dive into the darkness. I believe in the inherent beauty of the darkness that we all carry (and project). I believe it is the catalyst for change, and brings dimension to our light.

The Secrets of Shame

We could talk about shame for days and weeks and years. There is so much to it. It is prevalent in all cultures and some say it is the root of all pathology. That all mental illness and disorder can stem from shame. Even if we don’t have a diagnosable mental disorder, we all experience shame. It is part of the human condition. And we are now learning that it may be a bigger part than we realized.

We begin to learn shame as young children, when we still view the adults in our lives as infallible. And that is if we are fortunate enough to have loving family around us. But even loving parents make mistakes. We are tired, we are stressed, we are frustrated. We come home from a long day at work where everything seems to be going wrong and we just want some peace and quiet, just for a minute. But imagine our child is seeking our attention by singing loudly or asking lots of questions or throwing a toy in our direction that accidentally hits us in the shin. And we react. Maybe we yell at them. Maybe we walk away. Somehow we shoot down their bid for attention. It’s not their fault, really, it’s all the other things going on that happened to come out sideways onto them. But they don’t understand that. And since they cannot understand why we are so upset, they begin to believe it is because of them. There is something wrong with them.

Shame begins as an interpersonal emotion, it requires another person to activate it. But eventually, over time we internalize it. It becomes part of us. Shame is intimately connected to our sense of worth. When we aren’t able to recognize shame, and move through it, it finds ways to be continually reinforced in our everyday experiences without our conscious awareness. Brene´ Brown, author of Daring Greatly and public speaker known for her work on shame and vulnerability, describes shame as “the swampland of the soul.” She states that “shame drives two big tapes: I’m not good enough, and if you can talk it out of that one, who do you think you are.”

We all know the warm wash of shame. The physiological response in our bodies mimics a response similar to trauma. It is such a primal emotion that when our amygdala is activated by shame our bodies actually have a fight, flight, freeze response. Flushed face and neck, elevated heart rate, shallow rapid breathing, sweaty palms.  It is an existential threat. And because it is connected to our sense of self worth, whenever it is triggered we believe we somehow deserve the experience and are often unable to recognize or even challenge it. So our narrative is continually reinforced. We slip into the shame cycle of seeking relief from the discomfort through other destructive coping patterns, often spiraling into even more shame and going around and around in the process. Brene´ Brown also says that “shame needs 3 things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence and judgment.” If secrecy and silence are required, who is doing the judging? The way out of shame is connection. Notice the destructive coping pattern. Notice the trigger. Notice the physiological response, then start to talk about it. Practice some deep breathing techniques in order to calm down. Shift to a more empowered perspective of the situation that validates your inherent worth (easier said than done). Journal. But talk about it, with a friend or counselor or anyone who feels safe. Identify what works for you, and in moments of shame, start implementing healthier responses. If you’re anything like most of us, you will have opportunities to practice this daily.

The Science Behind Luck

Some people have all the luck, it seems. And some people are just plain unlucky. But is that really true? Is luck simply a matter of chance? Or is there more to it? Richard Wiseman, Professor of the Public Understanding of Psychology at the University of Hertfordshire in the United Kingdom, and author of bestselling psychology book 59 Seconds, suggests otherwise. In a comprehensive study spanning ten years Wiseman and his colleagues determined that people, for the most part, create their own luck. 

How can this be? Wiseman noticed that those who claimed they always seemed to have bad luck also tended to see situations from a glass half empty perspective. Lucky people, on the other hand, “generate their own good fortune via four basic principles. They are skilled at creating and noticing chance opportunities, make lucky decisions by listening to their intuition, create self-fulfilling prophesies via positive expectations, and adopt a resilient attitude that transforms bad luck into good.” This means that lucky people were always on the lookout for opportunities. This doesn’t mean they were encountering more opportunity than unlucky people, they were just more skilled at noticing them. One of the studies conducted asked people of both camps to flip through a particular newspaper and count how many pictures were in the newspaper (there were 42 pictures). However, the researchers added two large ads that took up about half of the page and said: “There are 42 pictures in this paper.” The lucky people noticed the ads, and the unlucky people flipped right past without even noticing.

So can we turn our luck around? According to Wiseman we can. By shifting our worldview to accommodate a more hopeful and positive perspective, we will start to notice more opportunities that present themselves. There are also numerous other things we can do that are scientifically proven to improve our luck including. Here are some tips:

1. Improve your chance of encountering opportunities by being more social. The networks we create can go a long way in creating opportunity.

2. Rather than visualizing success as a specific endpoint, imagine the steps necessary to achieve this success. Instead of imagining receiving an A on a test, or getting a promotion, visualize yourself studying intensely in a coffee shop or drafting a business proposal for an idea you have. Create a pathway to success.

3. Be open to new experiences. Leave space in your life for randomness, don’t get locked into a rut. Be curious. Explore. Always be on the lookout for new opportunity.

4. Take a chance. This doesn’t necessarily mean risk everything you have, but push yourself outside of your comfort zone. If an opportunity presents itself, act on it. Be prepared to work hard.

5. Accept that bad things can and will happen. Also, practice seeing the positive side of things. In Wiseman’s studies they found that unlucky people often view bad situations as how they could have been better, while lucky people see the same situations as how they could have been worse. Noticing and accepting the reality that life is often random and unfair and being able to harness positivity despite that fosters a character of resilience.

6. Recognize what is in your control, and what isn’t. There are some things that you just can’t do anything about. But what things can you do, right here and now? Rather than focus on what is out of your control shift your focus to what is realistically in your control.

The takeaway: Extensive research suggests that luck is created through our perspectives and our approach to life, rather than something that randomly happens to us outside of our control. Look for ways and opportunities to improve your luck in life, and your happiness will likely follow.

Limiting Beliefs

We all possess limiting beliefs in some form or another. We may not even realize it. Our belief systems are the foundations on which we view the world. No two people see or experience the world in the same way. You and I may be in the same car accident, and I may come out with PTSD while you are relatively unfazed. Understanding our internal beliefs, all the good and ugly ones, will help us understand our emotional experiences and help us move through life with a greater sense of control.

Limiting beliefs are often born from a sense of shame. “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t do this” are limiting beliefs. But to understand them we need to also understand that our beliefs can work on spectrum. It is true that I cannot qualify for the Olympics in any sport this year. Or maybe ever. It be beyond my physical limitations at this point in my life. I recognize that. But that doesn’t mean I can’t kayak, or ice skate, if I choose to. And as I dig deeper into that belief maybe I’ll find that it isn’t so much about the fact that I can’t be an Olympian. Maybe I believe I can’t be an athlete at all, which is untrue. So by locking myself into the extreme edge of the limitation, of I can’t be an Olympian, I can subtly avoid my deeper and more intimately connected belief of I can’t be fit and active, or I can’t achieve great athletic feats.

Our beliefs are often not particularly rational. Shame is not rational. We can recognize on a surface level what is possible, but it is more difficult to connect to the belief that contradicts that. I know that I can train and finish a marathon. I know that is possible. At the same time, on a deeper less rational level, I don’t believe it is possible. I believe it is possible for others. I believe it is possible for humans. But I don’t believe it is possible for me.

Which is why it is so important to challenge the beliefs that limit us as we are able to recognize them. The marathon one is a true one for me. I’ve been wrestling with that for years. And it may take years more to actually achieve. But I’m working toward it. Mentally and physically. Another limiting belief I currently recognize and am working to shift is that I won’t be successful in my career. I won’t be able to to create something that effectively serves people. Which runs counter to what I know, and even what I present. It requires humility and honesty to be able to connect with our ugly beliefs about ourselves (or others, or the world). But every time we successfully prove our limiting beliefs wrong, we open the door for new possibility. If I can do this, what else can I do? If I was wrong about that, what else what I might be wrong about? We create room for curiosity and the expansion of our comfort zones. The world grows into an even more incredible place, full of wonder and opportunity. It’s out there, what’s limiting you?

Icebergs and Shadows

Many of us do not present all of ourselves authentically to those we encounter. We have learned that some aspects of our personality or our experience may not be socially acceptable to show to everyone all the time. We have learned that vulnerability can be unsafe. In a culture partially defined by the rampant use of social media, we have learned to cultivate and craft the image we present to the world. We are like icebergs, displaying a polished exterior while much more lies beneath the surface.

This is not a bad thing and in a lot of ways it is healthy. Maintaining healthy emotion boundaries means we are able to discern when it is appropriate to spill all and when it is better to hold some back. Some things we may share with our closest friends and family only. Even if we don’t always share our iceberg with everyone, it is important to cultivate self awareness around what lies beneath our own surfaces.

What do you show to the world? What hides underneath? Are there any contradictions?

The iceberg metaphor can also apply to emotions. Anger is one that often presents as an iceberg. It is easy and powerful to connect to anger, and display that on the surface, while underneath may be fear or powerlessness or hurt. The Gottman Institute explores this concept even further, specifically with anger.

Philosopher and psychotherapist Carl Jung believed that we all possess both a persona and a shadow side. The persona is comprised of all of the aspects of ourselves that we deem appropriate to show the world. These are not necessarily bad or good, they just comply with the crafted image we want to convey. The shadow side is comprised of the aspect of us that we don’t want the world to see. This could include experiences and things that have happened to us in our lives. Jung suggested that until we can integrate both into our concept of self that the shadow side will find a way to be seen, often through destructive or unhealthy behaviors.

We can have socially positive and socially destructive traits in both the shadow and the persona, it is not all good or bad. For example, someone who wants to be perceived as “tough” may exhibit more aggressive communication or lack of care for others in their persona while hiding their capacity for compassion and empathy in their shadow.

What is in your persona? What is in your shadow? How does your shadow side show up?

It is important to recognize that we are always learning more about ourselves, and the cycle of growth continues our entire lives. We may discover things in our shadow after years of intense introspection that we had no idea was there. Whenever we learn more about ourselves, particularly the unpleasant things, it is important not to cast judgment. Judgment leads to shame and away from integration. Step into the observer self, notice any feelings coming up around the new awareness, and lean into a healthy coping skill. We are all imperfect. We all have shadows and flaws and jagged crevices hidden in the depths. It is part of being human. It is okay. And it is something we all have in common, so cut yourself a break.

Basic Human Needs

Dr. William Glasser proposed that all humans share the same basic needs: survival, love and belonging, fun, freedom, and power and control. Each of these plays a different and important role in our sense of safety and security, and contributes to our overall experience of life. If our needs are not being met, particularly at a young age when we are dependent on others to take care of us, we can experience emotional and physical distress that leads to long term consequences, including mental and health disorders.

Let’s take a look at each need specifically. The survival need includes all of the things our body requires to survive: food, water, air, shelter, warmth, etc. This is a pretty basic need and if we were to imagine a pyramid, survival sits on the base of the pyramid. We cannot meet any other need until survival is ensured.

Love and belonging encompasses our interpersonal relationships. We are social animals, and have a primal drive to be part of a community. When we are able to surround ourselves with healthy relationships where we are able to be authentically seen, understood, and appreciated by those in our lives we are able to meet our need of love and belonging. It is not a one-sided street. The need for love and belonging does not necessarily look for romance or adoration, it seeks balanced and authentic relationship. This could be with friends, family, partners, co-workers, etc. When our need for love and belonging is not being met we will often seek to fill that need through destructive or unhealthy behaviors. There was a time in my life where I quickly moved between relationships, fearing the idea of being alone and using shallow physical and romantic connections as a substitute for meaningful relationship. I didn’t know I was seeking to fulfill my need of love and belonging at the time, and without that personal awareness I got caught up in a cycle of unfulfilled love with partners that really were not the best fit for me, or me for them.

Power and control is an important one too, and this one is a little more difficult to suss out because it is in some ways similar to the idea of freedom. Power is connected to the belief that we have agency in our lives. It is not about having power over others, but rather power over our own personal experience. Our nexus of power lies in the ability to recognize that we cannot control others, we cannot control what happens to us, we cannot even control our own physiological and emotional responses to external triggers. The only two things we have absolute control over are our thoughts and our actions. As long as our belief of agency exists, and we can experience success in shifting the dynamics of our emotional experiences by shifting the direction of our thoughts and actions, we are able to meet our need for power and control. Again, this is not about controlling anything outside of us.

Freedom is the action of making choice and experiencing the consequences of our actions. No one can control our thoughts, or our actions. We often follow the rules of society because the consequences of not following the rules are unpleasant motivators, but we do still have the ability to choose our course of action. While it may not be a good idea to run naked down Main Street, and there will almost certainly be consequences, we do still have the ability to make that choice. When the ability to make choice is taken away, or if we perceive that it has been taken away, our need for freedom is not being met.

Fun is about enjoyment, laughter, learning, exploring, relating. It is about connection with others but it is also about connection with the self. We can meet our need for fun by reading a good book or painting a picture. We can also meet it by running through the park with our kids or playing with our pets. We can hike or play a game or simply do a small and short enjoyable task and meet our need for fun. This is where the idea of play therapy comes into play (see what I did there), and why it is so important to find ways to incorporate a sense of fun into our lives as much as we can.

I mentioned in the need about love and belonging that we will seek to meet these needs in potentially destructive or unhealthy ways if they aren’t being met in healthy ways. Think of all the ways we’ve tried to control others, or control situations, when we were feeling internally powerless. Think of the ways we’ve tried to create fun that had disastrous consequences to ourselves or our relationships (ex: a teenager that sneaks out of the house to go to a party and gets a DUI on the way home). Think of the ways we have sought freedom through unhealthy coping skills (example: isolation and withdrawal). A child that grows up without having their needs met by caregivers will neurologically hardwire a sense of insecurity in the world, which manifests throughout their entire life in relationships and belief systems. It is natural to seek to fulfill all of these needs, and as we develop our own sense of self-awareness it is important to look at all the healthy and unhealthy ways we tend to meet our needs. Look back on old patterns of behaviors or destructive decisions you have made: which need were you seeking to meet?

The Power of Our Words

Language is more powerful than we often realize. The words we choose to use, and how we frame our messages, can have a surprising impact not only on the people we interact with but also with our own sense of self. Consider the glass is half-full vs half-empty metaphor. Just by focusing on a positive (half-full) rather than focusing on a negative (half-empty) we can shift our entire worldview. We can lock ourselves into thought patterns that dismiss our autonomy and the power of choice. If we identify as a half-empty person, we can approach any situation with that perspective and then shrug it off as “Well that’s just the kind of person I am.” When we do this we don’t allow room for personal growth or development, and we often end up playing out the same cycles over and over again.

We teach ourselves how to see ourselves and the world through the words and messages we choose. Neurolinguistic programming is a therapy tool that can help to rewire these messages through behavior modification techniques and language and sensory development interventions. It can help with self-esteem, phobias, post traumatic stress disorder, self awareness, communication, anxiety, and a host of other things. Because of neural plasticity our brains have the incredible ability to alter their biology in order to shed old connections and create new ones. This rewiring happens naturally at several stages in our life, but can also happen through intentional thought and behavior adaptations. So it is possible to teach an old dog new tricks, so to speak.

But let’s take a deeper look at the power of words themselves. Consider the framing of this sentence: “It made me feel ___.” Culturally this is not an unusual sentence to hear or speak. I have often used it myself, and have had to develop conscious awareness of my use of it. “It made me feel” or “they made me” is a passive way to express an emotion that essentially gives all of your internal power to an external stimulus. While it is true that we cannot necessarily exhibit complete control over our emotional states in the moment (we can’t just turn off our emotions in a healthy way), we can make choices, which helps us to take ownership over our emotional state. “It made me feel” doesn’t allow us to examine what is really happening internally, and why. It doesn’t allow us to choose our responses, or reframe our beliefs so that the next time “it” happens we don’t have to feel the same way. We have more power than we often realize, and we give it away when we use passive language.

Another example of a subtle but powerful shift in language is in avoiding the use of negative phrasing such as “not” or “can’t” or “won’t.” It is important to keep positive and move away from the things you don’t want by focusing on the things that you do want. For example, consider the phrase “I want to stop feeling this way.” Okay, but your focus is still on whatever “this way” is. Try a reframe by focusing on the way you want to feel, and name actionable steps to get there.

Something else to consider is the use of swear words while upset. There is a lot of power underneath a swear, what does it connect to? What is under there? I am not saying that swearing is wrong. I am saying that swear words are not articulate or refined, and you may be doing yourself a disservice by leaning to heavily on them. Swearing often limits the ability to be deeply understood. Others can see you may be angry, but they don’t necessarily know what you are internally connecting with. I invite you to look deeper.

Here are a few more phrases to watch out for:

“It’s not my fault”

“It isn’t fair”

“I can’t”

There are many ways we can shift the messages we send to others and ourselves to facilitate a healthier, happier life experience. It begins with noticing certain thinking traps you may catch yourself falling into, and actively reframing.

The Loneliness Crisis

As we are becoming increasingly able to connect to each other all over the world through technology and ever advancing social media platforms, it would seem that we should be feeling less lonely and isolated. And perhaps in some ways that is true. Technology does allow for connections that perhaps wouldn’t otherwise be possible. It can act as an outlet for creative expression where there may not be one. But it also hinders our ability to connect one-on-one, as many are leaning heavily on the ability to filter a projected and controlled image through their social media lives. It also limits our ability to fully communicate and emotionally attune with each other, as so much of our communication happens non-verbally and para-verbally, both of which are most effectively perceived in person.

An episode of On Point, an NPR podcast, focused on the specific effects of loneliness on our overall physical health. A study conducted by Brigham Young University Researchers found that loneliness can increase your risk of death by as much as 26%, potentially making loneliness as big a health issue as smoking or obesity.The issue is so big, in fact, that Britain recently appointed a Minister for Loneliness to begin to address the issue. Prime Minister Teresa May states that “for far too many people, loneliness is the sad reality of modern life,” 

Psychologically, loneliness and isolation are often co-morbid with instances of depression, addiction, anxiety, and even dementia. Physiologically loneliness can have the effect of hardening arteries, corroding your brain, and depressing your immune system. As humans we are wired to be social, and for us the threats of loneliness are as real as thirst, hunger, or even pain. It is connected to our primal and existential human needs.

Loneliness isn’t simply social isolation, or being separated from other humans, though that is one contributing risk factor. More and more people are living alone now than ever, because we have the means to. This means there is the potential risk of not having someone around in an emergency in the home. But the subjective, self-reported form of loneliness can also be just as damaging. This is the feeling that we are standing in a room full of people and not feeling seen, of realizing that few people in our life actually know us.

Community is a powerful antidote to loneliness. This doesn’t necessarily mean surrounding yourself with people, because without meaningful connection the presence of people is not enough. It isn't about introverts or extroverts. It is about feeling seen, understood and valued as an individual. It is sharing emotional connections, and feeling a sense of belonging. It means creating powerful connections and relationships in all areas of our life, including work where we often spend most of our time. This article in the Harvard Business Review specifically addresses the correlation between loneliness and our working culture.

We absolutely need connection to others in our lives. We need to feel seen without fear of judgment. We need to ability to emotionally attune to at least one other person in our lives. A deep connection with one person may be enough for you, or you may need more than that. Each of us is different. But we all share the basic need to feel a sense of love and belonging.

When I am feeling disconnected from my tribe I really struggle to maintain balance in my life. I turn to my destructive coping mechanisms to manage the loneliness, and often end up in a cycle of shame and self-destruction that can sometimes last for years. I know now that in order to feel centered and grounded in my life, I need to be connected to my friends and family. But it took hindsight, and a humble and compassionate look at the myself in the times I have spiraled, to develop that sense of self-awareness.

If you’re feeling disconnected in your life, look to the people in your world. Is there someone you could invite over for dinner, or out for coffee? Is there an event in your community you could participate in? Are there any opportunities to volunteer for a cause that resonates with you? What about a fun family outing? Even talking with a therapist or coach can have a healing impact. There is almost always an opportunity to connect with someone else in our lives, and sometimes it carries a certain level of social risk to reach out, but it is something we must to prioritize for our overall health and wellness. Don’t sit in loneliness alone. Connect. For the love of your life, connect.